Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
