I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
