I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
