Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
