i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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