Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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