It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
