just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
