she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
