in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
