your parents love me but you hate me
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
