my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
