You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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