this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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