I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize