Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
