the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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