im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
