Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
