I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize