your parents love me but you hate me
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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