there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
