I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
