So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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