i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
