Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
