Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
