eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
