I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
