i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
