I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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