Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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