I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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