So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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