my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You smell like stripper and shame
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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