I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
