I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
