I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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