I CAN MOONWALK!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize