every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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