She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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