You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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