He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
