so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
