If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
