I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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