Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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