You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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