like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
