theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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