Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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