Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
farters have to be the big spoon...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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