I can tuck mytits in my pants
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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