Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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