I could make wine with my vomit
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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