I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
