I got chris browned last night
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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