Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
