so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize