The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
