One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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